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Four Montreal softball parks that will scare the hell out of you

The city is closing the popular North Field for "safety concerns." But here's an incomplete list of Montreal parks that will awaken your inner daredevil.

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In light of recent news that the Projet Montréal administration will close a popular softball field in Jeanne-Mance Park over “safety concerns,” here’s an (incomplete) list of Montreal’s most dangerous ball parks.

Editor’s note: I compiled this over seven seasons spent slumming it in the city’s co-ed beer leagues. Some of these observations may reflect my own biases as a hopeless left-fielder who plays in dangerously low-cut jean shorts.

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1. Kent Park, 3220 Appleton Ave., Montreal

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I’m not kidding when I say this might be the scariest softball field in Montreal. On a hot summer night, Kent is swarming with hordes of sugar-crazed children, each one bolder than the next.

The kids in Côte-des-Neiges like to play a little game I call “storm the outfield.” Their goal, it seems, is to get beaned in the head and score themselves a free ambulance ride.

I swear the median age in that neighbourhood must be six. If you drop your guard for a moment, the children will leave the adjacent water park and invade the playing surface like Viking conquerors.

Picture Lord of the Flies but with splash pads and terrified, overweight middle-aged dudes panic-drinking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Other than harbouring the constant fear that you may maim a small child, I’d say your softball experience at Kent will generally be a good one.

2. Le Ber Park – Ash Ave., Montreal

There’s a storm drain hidden somewhere in the outfield, and if you happen to plant your cleats in it while running, say goodbye to your foot. Your body will continue its forward trajectory while the ligaments that hold your leg in place will burst open like a soggy watermelon hitting the pavement.

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Think of it as playing softball with a bear trap cleverly hidden in the grass. You know it’s there because it nearly ensnared you a few weeks back, but you forgot to make a note of where it is.

For some people, the prospect of being injured in a co-ed beer league ball game is a turn-off, but I like to think it adds a layer of strategy to the game.

“Aim for left field, Karen, and make them pay for their misguided bravery.”

As an added fear-factor bonus, the park is located next to a regulation-size football field where teams practise during rec- league games. Have you ever chased down a fly ball and accidentally wandered into a game of tackle football? It’s invigorating!

3. Clifford Park, 7001 Blvd. de la Vérendrye, Montreal

Whoever engineered the lighting system at this park surely has a cruel sense of humour. Instead of crisp white beams that illuminate the field, the lights at Cliff Park cloud the sky with a yellow fog.

If someone hits a pop fly, you will lose track of the ball for a few moments as it disappears into the mustard-tinted night. Of course by the time you’ve found the damn thing again, it’s headed straight for your teeth.

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For some reason — and this is a very specific complaint — there’s a local dog owner who insists on having the mule-sized beast run onto the field and “do his business” during league play. Does he pick up the dog’s excrement? Of course he doesn’t.

If you thought the storm drain was bad, try fielding with the knowledge that somewhere in the grass is a steaming pile of manure waiting for you.

4. Angrignon Park, 3400 Blvd. des Trinitaires, Montreal

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you crushed a home run out of the park only to see the ball smash into a moving city bus? Well, if you play at Angrignon, you might find out what happens next.

Spoiler alert: the driver had a bad day, and he’s not going to take your s*** much longer. It isn’t that the outfield is too short, it’s that it leads into one of the busiest arteries in LaSalle.

For some reason, every team in our league has at least one batter intent on proving he could have played in the majors if coach had just given him that one chance. So buddy cracks one over the fence, past a row of parked cars and into traffic.

And did you say rock-hard infield? If you happen to slide to second or third base, the skin on your calf will peel off like batter from a fried chicken wing. Sweet Jesus, it hurts!

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